Kind Parenting is More than "Gentle Parenting"
With the myriad of secular parenting philosophies being proposed today, many parents have lost sight of the biblical vision for this God-ordained role. In this excerpt from her book, “The Law of Kindness,” Mary Beeke suggests that exemplifying true kindness is a the heart of faithful parenting:
Foundational principles
Parents must agree on a general philosophy for childrearing. They should also agree on a particular method for teaching kindness. Ideally, a dating couple should discuss these issues in depth before they enter marriage and bring children into the world. Our tendency is to follow our parents’ techniques and assume our spouse will do the same (follow our parents, that is). Things go much more smoothly if we are mentally prepared before the baby comes and if we have come to an agreement before stressful situations arise.
Expectant parents often do everything they can think of to physically prepare for the arrival of their little one. But when Junior makes his grand entrance and does not behave according to the book, Mom is battling the balance of hormones, and Dad is supposed to be stable but isn’t - all that preparation flies out the window! This is just the beginning. Throughout the whole experience of childrearing, there are moments of impasse, disagreement, confusion, and frustration.
A place of refuge
We need a place to go. Scripture is the answer. God has promised to lead us if we study the pages of His Word and pray for His guidance. Of course, the Bible won’t tell us how often to feed Junior during the night, but it will advise us to seek the advice of wise counselors (Prov. 11:14), and it will tell us to pray and find peace with God for the short and long term (1 Pet. 5:7). The Bible won’t tell us how many minutes Junior should spend on the computer, but it will tell us that we should focus our minds on whatever is good and pure (Phil. 4:8). There simply has to be a place where we agree to meet, a place that promises the final word of wisdom. Only in the Bible can we comfortably acquiesce to the wisdom of the One whom both parents agree to follow.
Our children need a place of refuge, too. Since parents represent God to a young child, that safe place is parents in the home. Children need to know we are there for them. It is biblical for the mother to be a “keeper at home” (Titus 2:5). It is kind for her to be a consistent presence there, to be available as much as possible. That’s why I have supplied an appendix on the value of a mother’s staying at home, along with encouragements and methods to make it work.
Born sinners
Scripture teaches that our children are born as sinners (Ps. 51:5; Rom. 3:8–20 and 5:12–19). Reality bears it out early in the child’s life, as demonstrated by the angry cry of an infant who doesn’t want to leave her mother’s warm arms for a lonely crib, or the biting and jabbing toddler who is stealing his friend’s toy. If we as parents don’t believe original sin exists, we are in for a long and arduous journey of childrearing. We won’t be able to understand why our little darling is not blossoming under our love but seems to despise us instead. If we do believe children are sinners, we are more realistically prepared for this journey. Knowing our children are sinners does not minimize our love for them. Rather, we realize they inherited their sin from us, and we all need to be redeemed by Jesus Christ. We expect a battle when good and evil clash, but the armor of God helps us (Eph. 6:11–20). We have compassion for our children’s failings and work with them to grow and learn.
Discipline
Discipline is necessary. It may not seem kind, but it really is. A barbed wire fence may seem to be a cruel thing with which to surround a beautiful free-spirited horse, but some friends of ours offer us a different perspective. They wish that their fence had not broken when their son’s beloved horse got free one night, wandered into the road, and was hit by a car, killing both the horse and the driver. If we agree our children are sinners, then discipline is needed to root out that sin. Solomon, the wisest man, wrote in the Proverbs that discipline is a sign of love (13:24), offers hope for lifetime habits (19:18), drives foolishness from the child’s heart (22:15), will give the child wisdom (29:15), will give the parents rest and delight instead of shame (29:15, 17), and will even deliver the child’s soul from hell (23:14). Paul cautions us to control discipline by urging us not to provoke our children to wrath, but to nurture and admonish them, lest they become discouraged (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21). I defer to Dr. Dobson’s wisdom and biblical treatment of the subject of corporal punishment.1 In short, God tells us to use corporal punishment with great love and discretion, and He tells us that it works.
If there is one aspect of discipline that sets the scene for all others, it is squelching defiance the first moment it occurs, as well as every time it resurfaces. If parents pick one battle to win, it must be this one. If they win, life will be much easier; if they lose, they will have a difficult journey. Having been a teacher before being a parent and seeing how difficult it was to control a defiant twelve-year-old, I determined I would nip this character trait in the bud in our own children. My own pride (and perhaps my own defiance) was useful, because when faced with a child’s defiance, my feeling was, “How dare you speak to me in that tone?” As I look back, I remember my dad having zero tolerance for defiance. Parents must strongly support each other in this area. “You will not speak to Mommy in that way. It’s not respectful. Let’s say it differently.”
If we could crawl into our toddler’s mind, we would see he has his own agenda, and selfish desires are quite likely at the center of it. The sooner we can write, “Dad and Mom are in charge because God put them there” on his heart, the sooner we get on with the business of molding his strengths so that his life is God-directed, not self-directed. Deal with defiance quickly and decisively.
Kindness is Key
We love our children with everything that is in us. Let’s pray that God gives us the wisdom to model and instruct them in the way of kindheartedness. Let’s pray for perseverance. Let’s pray God they arrive at that honorable goal.
“Be ye kind, one to another” (Eph. 4:32).
